How to Change Your Life

If you’re trying to make a change in your life, this message is for you. I’m going to tell you why change can be so hard, the most common mistake people make, and how to avoid it. If you’re interested in learning how to stay consistent, read on. 

It’s not easy, but it is simple. 

People can change. You’ve seen it. So why does it feel so out of reach sometimes? Why do we sometimes struggle for weeks, or months, or years, trying to make it happen? 

Because it’s fucking hard. It’s uncomfortable. It’s painful. And until the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of changing, it won’t happen. 

But there’s good news! While it may not be easy, it is simple. Science has shown us what works and what doesn’t. So I’m going to serve up all the data I’ve gathered. Some of it from the books, articles, and podcasts I’ve consumed over the years (often while putting off actually doing stuff). Some of it from the personal experience I’ve gained after years of effort, struggle, and reflection. 

Set the Right Goals

When trying to change, the biggest problem I see people struggle with is setting goals that are way too big to maintain. If you have a sudden burst of motivation, and you decide to go to the gym six days a week and work out for an hour and a half, maybe you’ll follow through. At first. But if you’re coming from not working out at all, and you go that hard right away, that’s a change that’s going to be extremely difficult to keep up with. Especially after that burst of motivation has passed. 

This is why new years resolutions often fail. People decide to make big changes all at once, and it doesn’t stick. 

You have to start with the smallest possible step. One of my favorite things is the two minute rule. If you’re trying to start a new habit, commit to doing it for at least two minutes a day. Anyone can do two minutes of meditation. Two minutes of writing. Two minutes of exercise. If you forget, you can even cram it in before bed (no, this post totally wasn’t written in two minute chunks over the course of several weeks).

And while we’re on the topic of small steps, here’s a trick for if you’re struggling to start at all. Try breaking your goal down into the smallest possible units of measurement. I’m serious. If you’re thinking “I want to write a novel,” you’re looking at a huge, overwhelming task. So, if you haven’t yet, you have to break that down into every little task that it’s going to take to end up having accomplished the goal of writing a novel. 

Go to your desk. Sit at your desk. Get out a piece of paper. Get out a pencil. And so forth. Make it so explicit that you don’t have to put a single second of thought into it when it’s time to take action. Maybe you’ll find that the thing that’s been holding you back from ever starting is that you don’t have a piece of paper to begin writing on. Wouldn’t that be a silly reason to put off starting your novel for the next six months? 

And when it comes to the actual writing, make it manageable chunks so you don’t burn yourself out. I’ve found it helpful to set a minimum (see the two minute rule, above) and ALSO a maximum. If your minimum is two minutes a day, maybe your maximum is 30 minutes a day. If you do an exhausting 3 hours of something you’re not in the habit of doing, then you might immediately burn out and be so sick of that project that you don’t touch it for weeks. Small, consistent progress will always be better than big, one-time progress followed by days or weeks of avoidance. 

So, the first step to making this change last is taking small steps. 

The OTHER part is that you have to make it a huge priority in your life. Even though the actions you’re taking are small, and it may seem insignificant, you have to prioritize those small actions as if your life depends on it. Missing one day might seem like it doesn’t matter, but it does. You’ve decided to make this change, and the only way it’s going to stick is if you commit to it with every fiber of your being. 

Here’s an easy way to remember it: big priority, small steps. 

This is just the way life is. Movies and television have taught us that the way to go from losing to winning is by doing something huge and dramatic. In romantic comedies, it’s a grand gesture that finally wins over the love interest and the happy couple lives happily ever after. In an action movie, it’s one big fight scene that stops the bad guy once and for all. Or at least until the sequel. 

Real life is not like that. 

It’s never one big action that gets you where you want to be. It’s the small actions that you take over and over and over. In the vast majority of circumstances, everybody you see who looks like an overnight success is someone who has been working hard for years before they finally made it. If you want to be a novelist, you have to write every day for months or years. If you want to be a competitive athlete, you have to work out every day for months or years. 

Disclaimer: “every day” doesn’t always mean every day. Don’t beat yourself up if you miss a day here or there. In the case of working out, it’s necessary to have rest days sometimes. But it should be the vast majority of days. And hold yourself to that consistency. One rule I’ve found helpful is this: if you miss a day, don’t miss two. Momentum can be hard to gain and easy to lose. 

So whatever it is you want, set the bar low and get started on it today. Don’t burn yourself out. Set a comfortable pace. Because slow and steady is what wins the race. It’s a cliché for a reason. It’s not glamorous, but it’s the truth. 

Time to Put in the Work

Whatever you want to accomplish, know that it most likely won’t happen overnight. Sure, people do win the lottery sometimes, but it’s rare. Are you willing to wait around for a one in a million chance of success, or would you rather start the slow grind that all but guarantees that success? 

There will be days when you don’t want to keep your habit up. You’ll be tired of doing it, and sometimes it’ll seem so small that it feels meaningless. But don’t let that stop you. It’s those tiny actions that compound into excellence over time. The only requirement is that you don’t give up.