How to Move Forward When Things Suck

If you have ever had to deal with something hard, this message is for you. 

Reality is constantly changing. Sometimes it changes in ways we like, and sometimes it changes in ways we don’t. There will always be challenges coming your way. It’s inevitable. It’s part of life. Our ability to deal with them when they arise is one of the most important factors in how we feel about our lives overall. If you want to know how to handle challenges, big and small, read on. 

Big Deal or Little Deal?

In special education, this is one of the questions we have asked our students when their reaction isn’t proportional to the situation at hand. When you’re struggling with reality changing in a way you don’t like, first ask yourself if it’s a big deal or a little deal (hint: most of the time, it’s not a big deal). 

If it seems like a big deal, run it through these filters: Are you still going to feel upset about this in a year? Have you lost something (or someone) irreplaceable? If the answer to both of those questions is “no,” then it’s probably not that big a deal. 

First, I’m going to show you how to handle the small to average sized problems you’re going to come across on a regular basis. These are the setbacks and obstacles that naturally come up in the course of living your life and pursuing the things you’ve decided to pursue. Things that sting, but don’t knock you down. Later, we’ll circle back around to the big stuff. 

Little Deals

Like I said, reality is always changing. Whether you see the new reality as better or worse than the old one, it’s too late to do anything about it. That change has happened already. The only choice you have in the matter is how you react to it. 

There are essentially two options here. First, you can resist the change. You can be mad or sad, lamenting the loss of the old reality and wishing for things to go back to the way they were. 

Your second option is to accept, even though you don’t like it, that this thing has happened. Our suffering comes from wanting things to be different than they are. The second you don’t get the job, or the client, or the date that you wanted, that old reality is gone. No matter how high your hopes were, no matter how promising that opportunity seemed, things didn’t work out the way you thought they would. 

The sooner you can accept your new reality in these situations, the quicker you can start making the current reality better. If you spend hours or days regretting your choices, or wishing others had acted differently, you’re throwing away valuable time that you could be spending on making the best of the circumstances you’re actually in. 

So accept that things are different. Forget about the old reality, focus on the new one, and start asking yourself what you can do to make it better. 

The path to success is paved with failures. 

Every time something doesn’t work out, you have the opportunity to learn from it. There will always be factors that are out of your control, and it’s important to recognize that. But it’s even more important to recognize the things that you do have control of, and consider whether you need to adjust your approach. 

If you can take responsibility for your outcomes, WITHOUT beating yourself up about it, you’ll make faster progress than you can possibly imagine. You didn’t get a job you interviewed for? Shit happens. You haven’t gotten the last dozen jobs you’ve interviewed for? That’s a trend. At that point, you have to look at the very real possibility that you suck. 

And that’s okay! It doesn’t mean that you’ll always suck. Being bad at something is the first step to being sort of good at something. We all start somewhere. The biggest strength you can develop is being truly honest with yourself about these things. Set aside your ego, and your need to be good at everything. Admit to yourself that you suck right now, but remember that you can get better. And then look for ways to be better. 

The more quickly you can fail, bounce back, and fail again, the quicker you will learn and get better. And furthermore, the more failures you go through, the less scared you are of failure. So getting out there and fucking up is the best and fastest way to learn and move forward. Remember that. 

Big Deals

Alright, now on to the truly hard things. The things that bring you to your knees and make you feel like the world is falling apart around you. Breakups, firings, divorces, deaths, and tragedies might fall into this category. Luckily these things don’t happen as often. But when they do, they’re not as easily brushed off as the little things. We have to look at them differently. 

Take the Time You Need

When you’ve suffered a major loss, it takes time to recover. That’s normal. It’s okay to not be okay for a while. Give yourself permission to be sad, or angry, or whatever you need to be. You are human. 

Take time to grieve. Take time to process. Allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling. Don’t deny what you’re going through, and don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s okay if you need some comfort food and a fluffy blanket and a movie marathon. It’s okay if you’re not as productive. 

As a side note, using drugs or alcohol as an escape will only delay the inevitable. A drink or two with a friend isn’t the end of the world if it helps you cope. But getting trashed to avoid feeling what you’re feeling is only digging a hole that you’re going to have to claw your way back out of sooner or later. If you numb yourself to the pain, it’s only going to come back stronger as soon as you sober up. Trust me. It’s not worth it. 

Most importantly, just remember to take it easy on yourself. Grief looks different for everybody, and it often comes in waves. You might think you’re fine one day, and the next day you’re lying in the fetal position, in a puddle of tears and candy wrappers. It’s okay to not be okay. 

Focus on Gratitude

When we suffer a loss, it’s natural to feel the absence of who (or what) we lost. But it’s not our only option. Instead of being sad that they’re gone, work on being grateful that you had them for as long as you did. 

Missing someone is a beautiful thing. You love them so much, and so deeply, that their absence is literally painful. Think about the depth of connection you need in order to feel that way. Isn’t that love, that connection, worth being grateful for? You may not have them any more, but you’ll always have the memories that you made together. You’ll always have the love that you felt for them. Find the memories you can be grateful for, and cling to them like a life raft. The more you can shift your focus to the good times you had together, the easier it will be to endure the pain. 

As time passes, and the pain starts to fade, you can take the next step: look for more things to be grateful for. Maybe your struggle has helped you realize how many people are there for you when you really need them. Maybe you lost your job, but you still have a roof over your head and food in your fridge. 

Maybe you have to dig down really deep to find things to be grateful for, and that’s okay too. If you’re reading this, at the very least you’re still breathing. That’s worth being grateful for. Because as long as you’re still breathing, there are infinite possibilities in front of you. There’s no telling how different your life could look a year from now. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and keep hoping for better things ahead. 

Moving Forward

In closing, I want to remind you of the most important things we’ve touched on. 

Challenges are a constant in life. The more you develop the skill of moving through them, the easier life gets. Don’t waste your time worrying about the little things, and don’t beat yourself up when you make mistakes. Learn. Adapt. Keep going.

The things that challenge us the most are the things that can bring us the most growth. Every failure brings you closer to success, as long as you don’t give up. Everything that hurts you leaves you better equipped. You may not always heal from those hurts, but maybe you can use them to help someone else navigate hard times a little better than you did. And you just might find that easing their pain soothes yours in a way that nothing else does. After all, we’re all in this together.